Thoughts that don’t turn into words are often fatal.
There are things you just can’t say out loud. There are
thoughts you simply don’t dare to share. Don’t go digging below belts; I am not
talking about those thoughts. I am talking about ideas up above, in that small
box you call the mind, things that fly through your mind and stick there,
things that will not dare leave your mouth no matter how hard you try to
regurgitate, I am talking about Doubt.
I have tried to tone down my insecurities but they seem to
reemerge all together whenever stress strikes again. The voices shout out
visions of professional failure, distant lovers, unkind friends, and an
undermining family.
Every now and then comes a time to reshuffle the set of
people around you. Every now and then comes a time to leave the decaying set of
dysfunction you’re stagnating in and to move on in pursuit of better friends,
a better career, a better lover. It is intimidating, yet as soon as you get off
the new adventure boat and your feet step on solid ground, you will realize how
exhilarating the journey was. Pause right there. Savor this moment; it will be
the peak of happiness. From there on it is a downhill spiral. The doubt will
return on your new island, it will devour your mind all over again until it has
reached the sweet gray matter in that brain of yours. Make no mistake, it is not a streak of bad
luck, it is your fault. You cannot simply travel past the pain and turmoil of
your old heart without stitching up what was ripped, before remodeling what was
broken because you cannot move on with your life until you have secured your
insecurities.
Take my word for it, insecurities WILL recur if not
addressed. I have gone through extensive thinking trying to figure out just how
to do that and truth is I haven’t really figured it out yet. I am not a big fan
of confrontation because more often those who fuel your insecurities are either
aware and indifferent or unsuspecting and not prone to change. Bottom line is,
very few people want to listen. In fact, we often try to actively change our
life but fail. Instead we see people leave and others enter our daily routine by
osmosis with very little proactive role. We see our career paths shaped by
society, by a choice made a long time ago, we follow the masses ahead of us and
very little input comes truly from our own will and desire.
There comes a time where you have to face the facts, some
roads will always find a way to reemerge until you burn the bridges they stand
on completely to the ground and close that chapter indefinitely. The active
part will be when you light a torch yourself instead of just waiting for
thunder to strike the bridge. There will come a time where you will forget
those people existed, move on and build new bridges over the corpses; only then will
you have secured those insecurities.
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