I haven't written on this blog for a long time. 3.5 months to be exact. Now that happened for a reason. It is not out of lack of Lebanese events to comment on but rather out of personal disenchantment. The summer of 2014 had been very heavily embedded with existential questions and self reflections, all of which could have been shared here but they won't. I did not stop writing but I just wrote on a piece of paper for future references if I ever decide to open this very emotionally charged chapter of my life.
Now on to today's post, 10 concepts that have made me disinhibited, disillusioned and disenchanted in my mid twenties
Now on to today's post, 10 concepts that have made me disinhibited, disillusioned and disenchanted in my mid twenties
1-Sex drive
There will come a time where you find yourself desiring the other woman or actively misleading someone into thinking you love them be it for sexual needs or out of solitude. Point is, disinhibited fantasies will sting your moral sense and stain what you thought was an impeccable conscience. And here is the worst disillusioning part: guilt fades away.
2-The devil is your friend
Growing up you idealized your parents. Then around teenage years you probably stuck to your flawless friends. All in all, you never really saw evil in someone close to you. One major milestone was recognizing that in reality, as cliche as this is coming off, no one has absolutely pure intentions. Learn to appreciate that your family and closest friends are not always right and that a complete stranger can still be the victim of the crime your beloved claims has been committed to him/her.
3-Xenophobia
In a community of smaller communities like Lebanon, expect this more often than you think. You may try to go over and above with your friendliness yet some parties will remain impenetrable. Sects aggregate, social classes aggregate, even same language speakers aggregate. There will always be those who see Beirut as a street of Paris, those who mistake it for Tehran and those who are trying to turn it into New York. What all of them share is the absolute insistence that they are right and the accompanying superiority complex.
4-Dysfunction is your gift
We all release a scream of despair about wanting to leave this dysfunctional nation, to live abroad where the grass is greener where the law is respected and where humanity is dignified. Truth is, foreign countries are not waiting for you with open arms. Visas and working conditions are more selective than ever. Besides, you are at high risk of failing to live in a world that walks by the book. You have become acquainted to dysfunction and it is your daily bread. Embrace that gift.
5-Insecurities are ubiquitous
Growing up I always looked up to some of the more confident elements around me. For someone who often willingly shares his insecurities even on social media, I used to think they were mine alone. Time and more importantly acute stress of early adulthood showed me how often everyone had bigger irrational fears than mine buried deep down. Fear of society's judgement, fear of failure, the strive for acceptance were all issues I had processed by the first few years of college and could not even think that others still carried with them well into their twenties
6-Karma is a myth
What comes around doesn't always go back around. People who walk parallel to the rules without getting caught may or may not go farther than those who abide by them. It's a matter of chance. In the unlucky event of having a conscience, in a country that lacks order, you will follow stringent personal standards. There comes a time when you realize the majority of the nation believes that breaking the rules is a necessary prerequisite to success and they more often than not get away with it while you gradually climb up the ethical ladder at a frustrating pace. Although that is disenchanting, I personally do not see myself changing my standards.
7-What do you want to be when you grow up?
That question finally starts to be answered once you're out of college. Or does it? Yes you do choose your major early on, fresh out of high school. What the high school teachers who asked you this question failed to mention is that a major is not a career. A medical doctor can be a psychiatrist, a surgeon or a dermatologist. All of which are totally unrelated career paths. Much in the same manner, business administration is not a career, it's a gateway to becoming a merchant, an employee or even a college professor. So yes, you have a major in your mid 20s but what you do not even begin to have is the illusion of a stable career .
8-You can't save them all
You may have gotten used to being the problem solver. The one who always knows the answers. You may have never had a situation where the solution escaped you. However as we grew older the problems grew with us and became completely out of our control. It is highly likely that by the time you are in your mid twenties you would have lost a friend to addiction, another to political corruption or watched another fade into an abusive relationship etc... In the end there isn't much you can do, you have to learn that no matter how hard you try, bad decisions need to be made by someone. How else would novelists and script writers find their muse?
9-Failure
There are too many cliches here today. Then again originality is overrated and often inapplicable to broad populations. We cant have that as we all love our generalizations. One more lesson to learn by the time you're 25 is how to embrace the topography of rock bottom and what troughs to avoid if you ever want to end up living up in the mountains of success. The old young belief that the road to success is a straight ladder is quite wrong, it is rather filled with valleys and hills that may never take you as high up as your thought you'd get.
10-Hope Vs Realism
I might be disinhibited, disillusioned and disenchanted but that only adds to my realism rather than cynicism. Being in touch with the shortcoming of reality helps you save up your energy for the latter stages of life. As important as hope is in maintaining a healthy sanity, excess of it is just as toxic as lack of it. My mid 20s conclusion is is not a call for cynicism but rather for self-consciousness and willingness to admit the shortcomings of yourself, your entourage and your belief systems when the overwhelming reality calls for it.
