Time is what is left to you

“You have your whole life to practice yoga. That’s the beauty of it” . I think what my Brooklyn yoga instructor was trying to say is that time is always in your hands when the goal is lifelong. Time is something I have a lot of as a 26 year old.
I’m sitting again in my Brooklyn coffeehouse where I have become a regular over the past few months, the weekend routine whenever not on call has become to keep busy all day long, to sublimate so as not to dwell on my perpetual existential crisis. Yet a leopard cannot change its spots.

In his short novel "what is left to you", the Arab existentialist Ghassan Kanafani raises the question: what is left once you lose everything you had and find yourself alone in a desert looking for home again. It is a call to transcend one's own existence into some form of essence or action. The notion of time highly dominates his novel and marks it.
Personally, the idea of wasting time irritates me. I always have to be on the move to reinvent myself. When a Lebanese acquaintance I had just met at a NYC event suggested I get a local girlfriend to pass the time, the thought simply could not penetrate my mind. How can you keep someone around only because you need the clock to run faster? You are better than that. At least I think I am. Let's not mind the fact that happiness should not be contingent on others, time wasting is really the lowest form of time investment. I haven't picked up on this concept much yet in American culture but it is true that in Lebanon, we are raised to think time is the enemy and we need to kill it. If your time is hard to kill then please by all means change your living situation, because nothing is more unfortunate than wasted human potential. Now in contrast to the Lebanese who have too much time to waste, the notion of time flight has been greatly emphasized across history, more so in the romanticism literary movement. Lamartine was one of the major proponents of this thinking and he wrote endless poems on the flight of time through the eyes of nature and his lover. Although I absolutely love his Le Lac poem and have spent so many hours looking at the Genevan Lac Leman while reciting it, I am first and foremost an existentialist, and to me, as appealing as romanticism can be, watching your time waste away deprives you of your humanity. You may argue that existentialism is not a humanism but that is a whole different conversation which we won't get to here. I believe our goal in this life should be to find the drives which help us invest our time rather than pass it. I have been trying too hard to sublimate in the past few weeks to the point that sleep has become a commodity. From yoga classes, to gym classes, to writing and to random encounters with intellectuals. Yet there isn't really a proper way to quantify how much of my time is investeable. What is the right way to use my time. To go back to my acquaintance's comment, I should be thinking who am I to say what it the proper way to invest time? As long as the investor is content, it should be acceptable. I think this is a dangerous fallacy. You see the easy way out may often be appropriately numbing and with 7 billion humans on the planet, there is no need for all of them to be striving to make their life goals purposeful. What's wrong with a little leisure? Nothing. Yet how much of yourself remains if you strive to waste away all the possible experiences only because the easier ones flow smoothly. I guess the question is, would you rather ride your boat in a lac or down a waterfall on the stream of life? Which kind of person will you be?

To go back to Kanafani's story, and in attempt to shed a different light on the issue, what is left to you when you are thrown in the desert looking for a home? Yourself and all the time in the world to figure out what to do next. 

The numb Brooklyn coffee

Coffee marks my life. I had my first flat white by the lake in Zurich with my good friend Chloé who introduced me to the refined caffeinated drink. Ever since, I have been ordering it across the globe in an attempt to come off as a fancy coffee connaisseur. I love the reaction on the local Brooklyn Barrista’s face when I ask if they have a flat white and he freezes before the manager tells him “it’s just a fancy way of saying latte, charge him for that”. I am currently sitting in another one of those hipster coffee shops trying to be productive on a post partying Saturday morning and I can’t seem to take my eyes off the foam on top of the mug. I am usually quite expressive yet today I cannot help but notice how toned down my thoughts are, how steady my heartbeat is. It seems my mood became immune to caffeine.

In psychiatry we talk about the range of one's mood and affect i.e. the extent through which someone can travel from the lowest to the highest point of the human emotional ladder during a psychiatric interview. The thing about those of us who travel all the way up and down that ladder, is that it is far easier to lose the handle and overshoot. You could argue that it would be easier to keep your emotions under control and to rationally release the appropriate doses to every situation. That approach may be the right decision. However as Milan Kundera puts it, the unbearable truth about human life is its lightness whereby no decision can really ever be known to be right or wrong. We only have one life and we can never know what would have happened had we chosen the other road. Things are as they are for no reason other than absurdity. This creates anxiety focused on figuring out where our life will take us or whether it could have been better. Faced by that fact, you either embrace the lightness and thus keep jumping from one adventure to the next or you stagnate in heaviness, fixating on a choice versus the other. I always identified as being heavy, as insisting on dogmatic approaches to what life should be like, to what love is and to what is expected of me in life. Moving to New York has pushed me to reconsider my heaviness, to let go of my need for answers and to embrace that life is uncontrollable, that pain takes too long sometimes to subside, that no calendar can decide when your heart heals or when you are ok to love again. No formula decides when the lonely New York street will feel like home. The only control you have in this life is over your actions, and that only comes with much, much work, will power and time. There are very few cities that offer you so many opportunities to focus on yourself like New York does. No other place pushes you to overcome your fears and insecurities to become part of its population and be dubbed a New Yorker. I have been single my whole life and it has never bothered me to be honest. I did however always belong rigorously to Large social circles which met my need for human connection. Yet I always enjoyed my absolute freedom and lack of entanglement that came from being in so many groups. However when I first moved here I found myself clinging to ghosts from my past, building safety nets very deep in the sand of the Atlantic shore and stretching them all the way back to the middle east in relations doomed to fail before they even start. The fear of "killing" old friends and lovers has rendered it impossible for me to cut those cords and suspended me for a few month on a transatlantic thread that was slowly burning over the fire of distance-induced apathy.

This will sound like an oxymoron yet one of the major lessons I am learning in NYC is to slow down. I am notorious for being neurotic and occasionally impulsive. I am emotional and rarely rational and often attempt to control the world.  Yet when the world moves from being a bunch of coffeeshops and bars aligning a vibrant street called Hamra (Red) to becoming 8 million people from all over the globe, it becomes much harder to control. This is where I learn to breathe, to let go of others because I am not here to save or attach to anyone, I am here to do Yoga, embrace clubbing and figure out who I want to be in my 30s.

I go back to my cup of flat white now, never mind that exaggerated reflective moment, the world is here, coffee is the moment and life is happening.

Beirut boy and the New York subway

Over 2 years ago, I started writing here occasionally about random thoughts going through my mind. I was mostly fueled by fear of terrorism dawning on Beirut and inspired by being in my first ever psychiatry rotation. Today I am fueled by heartbreak, homesickness and generalized cynicism. It's bitter sweet how life can take you around in circles through all the possible emotional states and leave you too drained to write. I am not going to focus here on my heartache or list "prêt à porter" life wisdom set for Facebook like the rest of this blog ended up becoming.

Today, I want to just reflect on the New York subway.

I remember the first time I ever rode a subway train was in Paris. I was overwhelmed and panicking about being mugged the whole time let alone being stressed out by constant bickering about finding the right destination with my sister who ironically ended up becoming a resident of the city of lights. I dealt with multiple subway systems from then and till the first time I visited NYC 2 years ago. I remember being amazed by the totally different experience when riding on the subway that literally included faces from every spot on the globe. However I did and still do think it is one of the most inefficient systems I have seen.

I moved to Brooklyn in June and have been a daily subway user since. First thing I noticed change in my Lebanese paranoid self is the decrease in hypervigilance as I became less and less careful and aware of where my wallet was or how many of the Train strangers are trying to snatch it. Gradually my pretentious Beirut shoes gave way to Brooklyn flip-flops that slammed the train's floor. As Autumn took hold, I realized there is something about walking down the chilly streets of Brooklyn and grabbing that coffee in formal wear on my way to the hospital that just makes you feel grand. You feel like you are swallowed by the machine, as if the big city turned you into another pawn in its massive urban plan: you dress like them, rush like them and drink Starbucks just like they do. Well I also occasionally grab a coffee from the French truck with a Barista originating from Marseille; more of that cross cultural aspect I guess. The morning routine continues as I rush down the stairs till I have to make the first decision of the day: Stand or Sit? What are you in the mood for today? The overstressed mothers, the religiously dressed folks, the random dancers, the hospital staff you kind of know because you see their faces everyday on the train. You can try to observe the world or simply go through the motions. You can sit and read through your book silently (preferably some French existentialism), however most days, I tend to pace around despite my short commute, just to make sure I'm really here and not in my Beirut bed dreaming. Your sad thoughts travel with you all over the metro stops. They fill the empty seats and free handles. The melancholy tracks the trails and comes back to hide in the equally depressed features of strangers. Yet the empty seats only weep or laugh depending on how you feel inside. In the instances I was genuinely fully happy on a gloomy morning, the whole tube seemed to echo my euphoria. This keeps me going since I realize that once the urban beast is tamed, pleasant rides await. One of those instances translated in being free out here, the population changes so often that you could be dancing ridiculously and feeling no shame. Yet, that never stopped me before. I always danced around on the streets of my Beirut even if I knew everyone there. And just like that, Brooklyn underground tunnels now hear the soaring throats of Latifa, Fairuz and Marcel Khalife. I take my mood, state of mind and translate them into soundtracks for my trip. A stranger smiles at me, I smile back. Couples fill the train and the single people sit around wondering whether to make a move or stick to their books. You see it would make a great story to say that you met on a train, but how often does that happen? How often did people meet in a service cab back in Beirut? Probably more often.

The trip is grand but it is in no way near as intimate as the service I used to take from Salim Sleim down to Hamra every morning, but then again this is New York. It is never as intimate, never as one on one. It will always be the huge city trying to devour you with its massive loneliness, endless options and forever changing façades. It is never you, the cab driver and one more rider talking about the randomness of the world or him sharing his random theories on the use of apple fruit in treating cancer. There is no cigarette smoking, no suffocating traffic jams, no Fairuz mornings, no bargaining over where he will drop you off, no Sabah murals on the Hamra walls. Yet there is no need to despair, there are millions of faces, robots, walking to work yes, yet every now and then I get a moment of lucidity and oil up my cyborg mind, remember that I may not have the comforting Beirut accessories, yet I have something much more precious: I have the whole world at my fingertips. And so I keep riding till I find my ultimate destination, and if I don’t, I just ride the train uptown. 

It isn't just a matter of Garbage...

I have been in Geneva for little over a month now and I have tried to grasp as much out of this ridiculously expensive city as possible yet I cannot shake this weird sensation of happiness that has been haunting my thoughts here. You see I have learned a long time ago that the best gift traveling offers you often comes free in the form of new ideas. This may not be apparent at first but this is ultimately a post on Lebanon so stick along. As an allegory of the last idea which crossed my mind this morning, let me start with this example from medical school: Children diagnosed with vision disturbances often describe not suspecting their vision of the world was blurry before they put on glasses. They simply thought this is what the world looked like. We are driven by mostly empirical reasoning after all and much of our perception of the world is built through complex brain circuits which collect data from what our senses see, smell or hear and match it to our previous interactions with the world. Since I am an existentialist seeking happiness somewhere on this planet this got me thinking, could it be that we cannot know happiness before we have experienced it? Is this why some couples get divorced after 30 years of marriage? Is it that they never knew what real love is until they met that new stranger which ultimately liberated their own understanding of what love is or "should be".

I am quite a conversation enthusiast and perhaps like me you tend to discuss many aspects of your life with some of your more talkative or receptive friends. Possibly you also dissect your intentions and driving forces behind your actions every now and then. I have amassed quite the large number of friends as my life progressed and they come in a wide spectrum of personalities. Yet the voices that resonate the most in my mind and amplify my insecurities are the ones who often tell me what I am doing wrong or what I should be doing to be happy. Jean Paul Sartre argued that “Hell is other people” which could loosely be understood in a “pop culture psychiatry” definition whichever way we want. Along those same prêt-à-porter self-empowerment lines, let me give my own interpretation here. Our need for acceptance and fear of judgment by others often place restriction on our behaviors, our choices and can in many cases deprive us of being happy naturally out of fear of rejection or lack of conformity. However that is universal to Lebanon and the western world and no Jean-Paul, this time unhappiness is rooted somewhere else.   

I am not arguing for much here, my conclusion is fairly simple: You do make your own happiness however not all of us have the luxury of trying that. Moreover, life has taught me in the few years I have been acquainted with her that the simplest answer is often the right one. You see in medicine we have a principle whereby you do your best to find one cause for all the manifestations in the body because it is simply far more likely for one disease to express itself in different organs than for one person to have two diseases simultaneously. I think I would be arguing that the gateway to happiness is prematurely locked in Beirut and I only realized that after comparing it to the European alternative.

Happiness is playing Sabah songs in your earphones and letting her put a tune to the grey streets of Geneva before the sunrise. Happiness is the routine of going to work with predictable timetables, o flooded streets, having daily lunches at a fixed time, and of course no occasional bombs. Ergo happiness is the safety needed for mundane activities which we lack in Beirut. Happiness is getting carried away drinking wine till you miss the last bus all the while laughing your drunkenness away because there are no services/cheap taxis in town, leisure is simply not as accessible, A drunk fool freezes in the cold in Geneva. Happiness is speaking your mind fully because no, not everyone hangs around the same streets their whole life and you do not have to see those who get offended by your blunt honesty. Happiness is working because you want to work regardless of the credit simply because everything else is taken care of around you as long as you perform your side of the deal and do your damn job.

Yes, the Lebanese community is incredibly intrusive but the major obstacle to happiness is simply state infrastructure.

Get out of your mind

     It's all in your mind. The good and the bad. Anxiety and serenity. Serendipity and absolute coincidence. Love and loneliness. I can spend hours writing posts about my city, my world, my views of everyday life but there will be a time where I will have to face the facts, I have no clue what’s just a fragment of my imagination and what is not.

Nothing’s as elusive as a breath of fresh hope and nothing brings to the surface the troubles of your inner soul more than a challenge to your reality. You can drink all of Hamra’s pubs worth of liquor and drink its coffee none will numb you enough nor make you vigil enough for what’s coming. That is the future. It seems that the major transition in my 20s is simple: realizing that new starts are no longer as appealing as they used to be, that the mind can no longer build an illusion on top of the other, there comes a time where reality strikes and where you realize it is time your dreams matched the earthy ground you are building them on.

Growing up with a religious existentialist as a best friend (though he did not express his views with that label at the time), we often argued about the existence of omens and signs where god expresses himself. I honestly still think that any outside fact can be twisted and turned in a million way to fit into a narrative where a higher power is communicating with us. And thus not getting your dream job becomes a sign that it was not right for you. There isn’t enough space here nor do I claim to have enough philosophical background knowledge to attempt to refute a whole belief system. I’m just arguing that most of the time, the mind plays tricks and shifts our whole vision of reality to fit a theory. The optimists see the world behind pink binoculars while the pessimists can only see how the whole world lacks harmony and bathes in dysfunction. Most of us fall somewhere in between with varying fixations depending on the matter at hand.

For someone who wants to spend the next few years studying the human mind, I find this topic simply fascinating yet I can’t help but wonder how writing my thoughts down is simply postponing the issue at hand and that is dealing with my mind’s penetrating thoughts by writing down loops of reasonable empty text. I do think we can access the origin of any disturbing thought or feeling and in a moment of clarity determine what needs to be done. This whole post in fact stemmed from an instance where I felt my brain lost control over its vision of reality and just for a moment, I was able to look objectively at the naked reality as it is as a voice said: “Wipe that sad face, and no do not replace it with a strategically placed smile. You have acted long enough, let’s have a heart to heart. What’s on your mind child? What’s keeping you from sleeping? Do you have any spiritual ties? None. Are you in love? Never have been. Are you trying to fall in love? No not really. Are you successful? Haven’t been in a while. Do you strive to be successful? Maybe. Great then we are on to something, now get out of your mind and start working on that in the real world” 

13 Lessons medical school taught me

This blog came as an attempt to revive my teenage dream of one day becoming a journalist or a novelist. That dream died somewhere along the road to adulthood. Probably around my senior year in biology when I discovered my command of English, French and classical Arabic will never be good enough to be published. The dream died thereafter to be replaced by a career in medicine. Well that career is finally about to start. I recently graduated medical school and have been taking a few graduate courses since. However, next week I will be officially unleashed into the working world and no longer be a student. That part of my life has ended for now. Unless I decide to finally pursue that French literature degree I always dreamed of pursuing.

Anyway, away from Voltaire, Camus and Rousseau, this post will ultimately be another list, I’ve found comfort in making lists on this blog. This is a list I have wanted to post ever since I graduated from medical school in May but only managed to finish it now.  

Here are 13 lessons medical school has taught me:

1-You will never find Nemo

Some fish are just not meant to be caught, especially the ones that are an allegory of the meaning of life when you're still 25. 

2-Know when to take a break from work and drop everything else

I learned this the hard way when I attempted to imitate the more avid hard workers in class and isolated myself from the world to study for American board exam. The seemingly unmeasurable depression and breakdown were easily cleansed by a drink and a night out with some friends. 

3-After the white coat

The white coat effect fades away the second you take it off and walk on the street. That’s true unless you've turned into a ruthless narcissist like some of the attending physicians you had always dreaded. 

4- All things that end will trigger nostalgia
That by itself doesn't make them irreplaceable. Yes I am nostalgic to medical school ending but I also currently still regret going through with it and could think of many other things to do.  

5-Always check your sources

Evidence based medicine can be extrapolated to everyday life especially since Lebanese society has a tendency to inflate facts, and personalize versions of the truth. Therefore, a background check on the person giving you the news is always valid let alone required.  

6-The devil is in the detail

Yes he is but the greater picture often leads to sloppy outcomes. Attention to detail is a necessity for most doctors. To me survival was the main propellant in the first 2 years and thus many details were skipped in the process. They came back to bite me till I perfected them thereafter 

7-Growing up is an option

Not everyone gets over their high school insecurities. In fact some stay there for a lifetime despite of the added title of MD.

8-Ambition? 
Superlatives are a defense mechanism of those who need to showcase their success. I lost my drive for academic competitiveness early on and replaced it by total nonchalance. However, I never really knew how much that was a character changer till I saw the ruthlessness of the competitive character I used to have reflected in those who kept it till the end. 

9- Becoming

If you haven't learned to lead your own path rather than follow footsteps in the sand by now then you probably never will. 

10- Humans come in different species
The sooner you know yours, the happier you would be. It is human nature to aggregate in societies and more so to have smaller groups within these societies. And those pretending to be anthropologists (such as yours truly) will pretend to understand how these work. 

11- Chill
The world is not out to get you. As a baseline paranoid person with narcissistic tendencies I had to remind myself very often that it is not personal. When living with the same group of people for 7 years it becomes a challenge to keep believing it is not about you nor targeted at you. 

12- Turning tables

Don’t make enemies and try as much as possible not to gossip you never know how the tables might turn. 7 years are a long time to maintain friends or enemies. The tables will turn so often that you won’t be able to keep track.   

13-Is that really me in that photo?

Pictures from random events will make you question your decisions 4 years later. I now wonder about existence of past friendships that seemed to blossom in pics but more importantly I wonder why I have only faint recollection of these happy moments.

This last thought brings me back to an old French essay I had read back in High school: “Discours sur le Bonheur” by Madame du Chatelet. In a nutshell, we remember hardships more often than happy occasions because happy people are satisfied and do not feel obliged to share joy whereas unhappy people tend to share their misfortune in search of solace. Yes, these were a tough couple of years and medical students around you will always nag about how hard it is but the most important thing was that I always knew medical school will end one day. The career that comes after it might be packed with obstacles and this is going to sound cliché but I really have never experienced anything more gratifying than having helped a patient get through illness and hardship.

Mustard and Hedonism in Los Angeles

This post tells the story of a sweet hedonistic pot of chocolate where I stood out as being the sour mustard.

Before I start, let's get a little context: I have been in Los Angeles for 10 days now on a medical elective and the whole travel experience has been far from perfect. Now this has little to do with the city itself and much more to do with personal obstacles that happened upon landing here or that I had carried with me right before coming from Lebanon. With that in mind, let's get started. 

In the past year I can honestly say I have lost a great deal of my self confidence and assertive behavior . Numerous times this year, I ended up merely a ghost who echoes what others around him do. I gave up principles, tried new things in the name of adventure and the need to cross items off the list before I turn 25. I drifted apart from good people, gained some unnecessary enemies, but more importantly, I lost a sense of identity that I always took pride in. Imagine my apprehension to find all of that confusion culminating on an uneventful California night. In the midst of yet another attempt to fit in an environment that is mot mine, I found myself packing my belongings in a gloomy coffee shop, walking back to my apartment here in Los Angeles with one thought racing through my mind: being in Rome still does not make you a Roman. Even if I am in the most laid back city on earth, that does not mean I am no longer the same pretentious existential young man I always prided myself of being. 

  

The human race is a lonely fragile one. We want acceptance, we search for it wherever we go. We copy others, we convince some to copy us, we travel in herds like sheep and get chased by other packs of wolves on that jounrney. I can't speak for everyone out there but I know I have had major trouble embracing loneliness. I have traveled quite a bit in my life but I always looked for familiarities in foreign lands. Rarely have I actually embraced the foreign settings for what they are. instead, I turned them around to fit my reality. It is in this spirit that strolling down the champs elysee brings back Sabah's "allo beirut" playing in my ears, walking to the hospital in California brings marcel khalife's Rita and Croatia's Split is carved as the spitting image of Sour in my mind. Identity is a tricky entity. For someone who aspires to one day map the human brain, I am surely fixated on certain areas of my identity that seem to recur since early adulthood/ late adolescence. 

It seems that a recurrent theme on this blog has been adulthood: what is it? Have I reached it yet? Is this confusion part of it? 

At this moment, I do not have a concrete answer but I have a feeling that my character has deeply changed in the past 6 months. In fact, the copycat roller-coaster I was on has gotten me thinking that -for those of us unfortunate enough to have a flexible view of life- to find yourself, you have to look around for a while first. Yet the past few weeks have made quite a difference in that vision. 

To make this unclear ramble more lucid: if you go to LA and still want the same things you wanted when growing up in Beirut, if the city's pleasure principle does not alter your pre-set personal ideals, chances are you have already found yourself a long time ago. 

This post was supposed to include much more useless life theories and nicely sublimed personal conclusions from the last 2 months, yet instead it's ending with a different message If you are still reading. 

  

This blog was never an attempt to gather readership or a shot at journalism. It was always intended to be a venue to vent my thoughts into a somewhat recycled lebanon friendly presentation. Lately I have been flirting with the notion of halting my medical training and pursuing a journalism degree, now I may be getting ahead of myself but I want to use this venue for practice purposes in the upcoming few months. So yes, another conclusion to come off from being placed in unfamiliar settings was defining what you want in life. To roughly paraphrase a young stranger I met in a New York pastry shop who holds a journalism degree and has now quit it all to start drawing for a comic magazine: "I've always known what I wanted, I just wasn't sure I was good enough." 

On a closing note, "Too much candy gonna rot your soul...".